[survivorpoptart]

eh story is gone for good. I sucked too much at writing so i just quit for good.

[survivorpoptart]

... this story is a failure so it's gone.

[survivorpoptart]

Since the story made no progress and sucked too much i just quit. Everything i've tried is pointless.

[Noobbot]

Last time I read the "addition", I laughed and then closed the tab immediately. I wasn't even tempted to reply. Now, there's more to it but the dialog could use some more work, the grammatical errors are still distracting, and overall there is still a lot that can be done to better this piece.

Quote

Chapter 2 (Shivering)

I stopped all my thinking, all thought, (adding "all thought" after "all my thinking" is redundant) all movement; my body felt as though I had been plunged into the Arctic. I was afraid to think what "those individuals aren't dead" meant. I went to the table and sat back down on the wood chair. I had to sit down to think on what he could mean or the weight of these musings would make me collapse. I shuddered a bit and then resisted. After a series of shudders, and thoughts of killing live people, I stood up and decided to check on Jeremy. He was being given a rifle from Mr. Pontanelli, who quickly turned around and handed me one too. That meant we were headed out to gather supplies or maybe to engage in fatal heroism.

The rifle was operated by a bolt action but that was really all I could figure out about it. I hadn't had much experience with guns outside video games in my youth. We were right outside when we heard some inhuman grunts. "If we walk and stay quiet then we should be able to proceed undetected," I explained to Jeremy. Unfortunately he had planned on running into the fray to bat so I held him down. This caused him to start screaming after he was pinned under my weight and then I had to hold his mouth. Then the worst happened: a group of five zombies turned the corner of the building investigating the source of the disturbance. "Jeremy, you fuckin' moron, I will fucking murder you to save the rest of us." I shoved him onto his feet, shouldered my rifle, and pulled the trigger.

My rifle boomed, instantly alarming Mr. Pontanelli and in seconds he ran out the door with his pump shotgun. I was horrified and a bit shocked at what happened to the zombie's head. It was all I could do to turn away from the sight and cycle the bolt as smoothly as possible. The firing pin sung to me with a snap and I fired another round at a zombie which was running toward Mr. P. The zombie fell on the ground and squirmed for a minute only to die down with its efforts in vain. Jeremy i hear another rifle go off and another clinking noise as a zombie has blood jump out of its eye. (I have no idea what was trying to be said here. This is completely fragmented. But I'll try to reconstruct something more complete.) I heard Jeremy's rifle fire and was afraid that I either I or Mr. P would be mortally wounded. Another zombie dropped and blood spattered from its eye and the rear of its head onto the ground. Thankfully. The spectacle was simply amazing and horrifying. We were killing living people, controlled against their will. But they were gone so we were just setting them free in a sense.

Mr. Pontanelli finally raised his shotgun and shot the last zombie in the chest, knocking it on the ground. He pumped his shotgun and ended the threat that was laying on the ground, squirming in what looked like fear. No mortal should ever have to see this; never should a person have to kill. I sat on the ground, looking at the remains. I hope you never see anything like this. I asked Mr.Pontanelli, "Will we ever see the light and escape this tunnel of anxiety?" (This metaphor seems really forced.) He only turned around and sighed.

[survivorpoptart]

Fuck this story, fuck writing, and fuck trying. Failing is all i do so fuck it. It's all pointless to try when all i do is fail so fuck it all!

[FlukeMan]

Can you say it a few more times? I dont understand.

[Noobbot]

survivorpoptart, on 18 June 2010 - 10:59 PM, said:

Fuck this story, fuck writing, and fuck trying. Failing is all i do so fuck it. It's all pointless to try when all i do is fail so fuck it all!

Not a bad idea at least insofar as discarding this story. If you want to continue writing, I would suggest approaching an easier topic which you are familiar with. I have been called a polymath, which is not terribly untrue. I have an affinity for horror, apply visceral descriptions, and know a decent bit about anatomy, biology, and science in general as well as guns. Firearms give me boners, you see. Should you wish to write another zombie story, it wouldn't be a bad idea to write up an outline of characters and the conflicts at hand if you need some explicit organization to help you. Alternatively, you could try your hand at a funny, but if you do this, try not to imitate the shit "satire" abundant in this type of place.

Also, it's quite hilarious that I fucked up when I was correcting your fragmented sentence. lulz

[FlukeMan]

Noobbot, on 18 June 2010 - 11:19 PM, said:

Not a bad idea at least insofar as discarding this story. If you want to continue writing, I would suggest approaching an easier topic which you are familiar with. I have been called a polymath, which is not terribly untrue. I have an affinity for horror, apply visceral descriptions, and know a decent bit about anatomy, biology, and science in general as well as guns. Firearms give me boners, you see. Should you wish to write another zombie story, it wouldn't be a bad idea to write up an outline of characters and the conflicts at hand if you need some explicit organization to help you. Alternatively, you could try your hand at a funny, but if you do this, try not to imitate the shit "satire" abundant in this type of place.

Also, it's quite hilarious that I fucked up when I was correcting your fragmented sentence. lulz

Sure you can do correct this, but can you do the same with My Immortal?
http://encyclopediad...tal/Chapter1-11
http://encyclopediad...al/Chapter34-44 (later chapters have worse grammar)

I have read the whole thing, I would not encourage anyone to do so.

[survivorpoptart]

can someone delete that comment?