[survivorpoptart]

...

This post has been edited by survivorpoptart: 19 June 2010 - 02:54 AM

[The Reverend]

Really good!

Write more! Can't wait for the next part. :3

[survivorpoptart]

The Reverend, on 21 April 2010 - 07:17 PM, said:

Really good!

Write more! Can't wait for the next part. :3

Thank you, i tried hard.

[survivorpoptart]

...

This post has been edited by survivorpoptart: 19 June 2010 - 02:55 AM

[Noobbot]

1. You need to vary sentence structure more.
2. You need to indent and form separate paragraphs regularly. Otherwise, reading your work is rather quite difficult.
3. If you're from the United States, and are writing as though it occurs in the United States (I am rather quite certain that both of these are true), then you should know that there were laws restricting fully-automatic weapons (i.e. machine guns). One law banned the import of foreign-made "machine guns" in 1968, and the last law banned the modification or production of domestic consumer "machine guns" in 1986. The result is that anyone who wants a machine gun needs a class III license from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (BATFE, otherwise known as "That Fucking Retarded Piece of Shit"), and the restriction on supply makes machine guns incredibly expensive. "Machine guns" constitute anything from GLOCK-18s and M1 Thompsons to M2Bs and BARs. Another thing is that you can own an AR-15 auto sear but not the rifle itself (in terms of legality of course).
4. I hate to spell this out, but it appears necessary. As a result of 3., there probably wouldn't be machine guns in the gun shop. If there were, there would likely be automatic MAC-10s/11s, and maybe some AK-Ms and AR-15s if the shop is particularly big. The chances of someone running across either an M1 Thompson or an AA-12 or USAS-12 is incredibly low. If you're not aiming for realism but some absurd satirical style, then you can largely disregard 3. and 4.
5. Remember to phrase questions as questions (this means tagging on a question mark). When someone says, "What has the world come to?", they're not making a statement. They are posing a rhetorical question, or otherwise asking someone for an answer.
6. Though some say I am verbose and employ far too much detail, your detail seems quite lacking. You're taking bits that could become entire paragraphs or pages and condensing them into single sentences. It makes it sound almost like a hastily-written Associated Press article such is the vagueness.
7. The virus that causes AIDS is actually HIV. AIDS is the syndrome that is caused by HIV.
8. Little side comments that break the flow of the story like "(yes i used that term but i really could care less.)" shouldn't be present. Call the guy a black artist and be done with it. Also, you should have said that you "couldn't care less" if you really feel the need to include that.
9. The pronoun "I" is always capitalized. Always.
10. Spring-loaded boxes that carry ammunition are referred to as "magazines". "Clips" are loose containers that contain no springs and are fed into internal magazines. For example, an AK will be loaded with a 30-round magazine while an M1 Garand will have an 8-round stripper clip loaded into the internal magazine.
11. Punctuate properly. Grammar exists for a reason - while it may be a pain in the ass, it makes it easier to understand what a person is saying when they format their writings with solid grammar. It isn't necessary that the grammar is perfect, or that you understand what gerunds and other shit are, but please do attempt to use grammar as best as you can.
12. Add personality to it, some wit, some humor. Make it seem like the narrator isn't a machine relaying some lifeless observations.

[weege.]

I would like to add that the title of your story is incredibly appropriate. You, sir, are a master of foreshadowing.

[survivorpoptart]

Thanks for your sarcastic response. At least the other one was constructive.

[weege.]

Sarcasm? I meant that with all of my heart.

[survivorpoptart]

...

This post has been edited by survivorpoptart: 19 June 2010 - 02:55 AM

[survivorpoptart]

I guess i have to give up writing stories.

[Noobbot]

I don't check the forums much. If you don't feel your writings are getting enough views, or that this particular part of the forums is particularly dead, you're damn right. I suppose that after a while, most people tire of reading mediocre or awful stories, sifting through shitty and poorly-thought forum RPGs, and quasi-satire written by subhuman retards who cannot properly respect satire. This breeds a sense of cynicism, as though maybe one in ten of the people here can actually write anything worth a shit whether satirical or not.

My main point here is that you should write for yourself and yourself only. This doesn't mean that one should shield themselves from all criticism, but when some asshole stomps around throwing shit and decrying anything more vivid than a blank sheet of paper as verbose, then one should likely disregard his supposed criticism. If no one responds to your story, who the fuck cares? Keep posting. A while ago I took a rather minimalist and shitty story one guy was writing and turned it into my own darkly-humorous story which I may or may not post on this forum. Sometimes shit can provide solid inspiration. I should also note that the way you're supposed to update stories here, I believe, is with editing the original post and adding to that. It makes it easier to read the story in one go.

Is this a rant here? Why yes, yes it is. You may find it irrelevant, but reading your last post inspired me. Anyway, onto the critique.

survivorpoptart, on 27 April 2010 - 11:14 PM, said:

I woke up the next morning, smells of beans and turkey bacon filled my nose. It was a very comforting scent considering what was going on. I got up on my feet and

walked toward the brown wooden table. I saw two plates, each with a small ration of food. I looked up at Mr. Pontanelli and made a face. He just shook his head and sat down on a chair, on one side of the table. He nibbled at his piece of bacon in delight, as if he forgot the hell around his little store. I sat down on the opposite side and started eating my beans.

I wanted to start a conversation but was too tired and hungry to do so. I wanted to break the quiet and tell him to wake up from his bliss but I couldn't resist it either. I forgot

about everything and just enjoyed breakfast. Well I almost did. Something started banging on the door. Someone started screaming "Please let me in! Please!" and everything went back to the dark scary abyss known as the apocalypse.

Mr. Pontanelli rushed to a metal drawer and pulled out a shotgun and gave me the signal. I pulled a couch we had blocking the entrance away from the door and opened it. A

white man rushed in and a zombie tried to follow until I heard a large bang. Flesh splattered onto the sidewalk outside. I couldn't finish my breakfast with that picture stuck in my head.

(this better?)

Admittedly, indenting is a bitch with these forums (it was a nuisance indenting your paragraphs as I did in the quote). I usually just double space paragraphs to separate them, unlike how I have it presented in my word document. On to the substance, this is quite a good deal of improvement. Rather than just stating "I sat down for breakfast. Onto the next cool story bro without any segue.", you add atmosphere and development to the story. I've edited the quote to make minor adjustments that I feel make it a bit better, but whatever.

[weege.]

I believe the problem lies in the fact that you appear to be taking a free form approach to your writing. I don't mean that in the "stream-of-consciousness" sense as it's more of a "This happened, then this happened, then this happened - I'm just going to make stuff up as I go along and hope I stumble upon a story" kind of thing, but that's the best description I could come up with. If I'm mistaken and you have a grand journey of self-discovery planned out then I apologize, but I'm not seeing any evidence of it so far. Have a rough outline of where the story is going in your head and stick with the 3 act story arc before you start getting experimental: Establish the problem, confront it and resolve it. For the record, the zombies are not that problem.

I hope that still makes sense when I sober up. Anyway, stick with it and don't forget to capitalize your goddamn I's.

[survivorpoptart]

Ok i see that.

This post has been edited by survivorpoptart: 01 May 2010 - 02:14 AM

[survivorpoptart]

...

[survivorpoptart]

well that's the new part and i need to know, how do you end sentences in quotation marks. I forgot.

[Bluehawk]

John said: "you can end them like this."

"Or like this," added Jane.

[survivorpoptart]

ohhhh ok.

[survivorpoptart]

alligning is a bitch in this forum. it doesn't work apparantly.

[survivorpoptart]

let's see what i can do.

This post has been edited by survivorpoptart: 20 May 2010 - 12:59 AM

[Noobbot]

Grammatical errors distract me. If I correct it, maybe I'll be capable of focusing on the content. I intend to mend these problems without changing the style.

survivorpoptart, on 30 April 2010 - 10:24 PM, said:

(OK I plan to begin the story right here. This is where it all begins I guess.)

The White man was wearing a suit with a lab coat under it. I noticed something in his shirt and I asked, "Show me what you're hiding right now." My hand was pointing toward him as though I held a phantom revolver. "I'll drop you," I managed to say without snickering uncontrollably.

He took out a vial* containing a murky liquid. I looked at it, and it gave me a scare for some reason. What could possibly be so menacing about some shit-colored fluid? Mr. Pontanelli put his shotgun down and stuck out his hand, and introduced himself as Mr. Pontanelli, gunman and rifle shop owner, and asked, "What took you so long?"

I remained puzzled at how they knew each other or whatever else was going on between them. I walked over to the door and closed it hoping to block anymore zombies outside. I pushed the couch back to the door as well. I looked back at my breakfast, which was still warm, and wanted to finish it. Unfortunately it seemed like bad stuff was in progress right now. I asked timidly for a container to put my breakfast in and was just told to "Get another plate and put it over the food, you helpless weasel."

Chapter 1 (Well Here We Go)

The strange man in the lab coat obviously had something important to say. It all seemed unreal; unnatural creatures made from people we knew and cared about roamed the urban landscape murderously and people in lab coats with weird containers congregated in dark corners. I remembered how we still needed supplies, but that would have to wait. I stared at that vile vial again thinking about its seeming importance. After sitting down on the couch blocking the door - not the best idea - I told Pontanelli to sit down in the chair I sat on during breakfast.

Mr. Pontanelli finally said, "Let's just hear the story about how all this happened. My friend looks as though he can't handle the strain of holding it in any longer."

The eerie man in the coat said, "My name is Jeremy, and I will accept some responsibility for this horrible event. It all began in a small lab disguised as a McDonald's." I kinda snickered at the thought of some evil conjured in a fast food joint. He cleared his throat. "Anyway, the government denied everything that was happening to keep lab research going on Project Alpha. This means that this virus is only the beginning of a much larger nightmare. Another virus is being developed as we speak by the remnants of Project Alpha Sigma Sigma. This will be more advanced and called 'Project Beta' if their inventive naming scheme continues on its current course. I was tricked into thinking the project was a cure for many different viral infections and other diseases. When I found out what was happening, I was horrified but I knew that I couldn't stop it. It's all much bigger than me. So I decided to take residence at a local gun store, the store owned by Mr. Pontanelli." After saying this he put the vial back into his coat.

Mr. Pontanelli then asked, "This question won't affect our immediate survival, but are you sure that there was nothing you could have done to stop it?" Jeremy took off his lab coat and sat it on the back of his chair carefully. Then he shook his head and looked around.

"Considering the situation and what I've done, I would like to help in the search of supplies and stopping this madness," he added. "Also remember, those individuals aren't dead," then shook his head, got out of his chair and explored the shop, if you would call it that.

* "Vile" is an adjective use to describe something which evokes disdain and disgust. A "vial" is a noun which would be typically a small, cylindrical glass container.
** I said to hell with indenting here. I think there isn't a strict forum resolution, so on my 1440x900 monitor the indents don't look right.

You're still improving by the looks of it, but the grammar and some of the phrasing could use work. Look at what I revised, see if you agree with the changes, and if you do, try to implement those improvements to your future writings.